Rainy Day Ramblings...

I love this blog. I love that I was forced into encouraged to blog by Reece's Rainbow because I otherwise wouldn't have. I have started probably 10 blogs, and I've posted once, then I've abandoned them. Life gets too hectic to sit down and write, I'm not a great writer anyway, even if I did sit down to write...what do I have to say? All of those things still apply, with the exception of the latter. I have a LOT to say. I don't always know how to say it, so I often don't even begin to try, but this year, all 26 days of it, has been a sort of rebirth for me in every way imaginable.

I've learned that I'm strong, so much stronger than I ever thought I could be.

I've learned that I married a fantastic man. I already knew this so I guess I didn't really *learn* it, but I have been reminded of, constantly, day in and day out for weeks. David, you are amazing.

I've learned how BIG my oldest sons heart is...he's an awesome kid.

I've learned how to communicate better with my 2 year old. Seriously. He went through a really TOUGH phase of being destructive and just...crazy! Some might chalk it up to terrible 2's but I knew there was more to the story. We finally figured out he just wants to be HEARD! He would babble an entire monologue and we would say "uh-huh, yeah!" and it would set him off big time, so we started picking apart his "babbling"....he knows a ton of words so we would try and piece it all together in our heads, then repeat back to him what we THOUGHT he was trying to say, and most of the time we're right! His face would light up like a Christmas tree! He would be so happy, and content, he was HEARD! He was UNDERSTOOD!! That was it, he's like a different kid now, his frustration is gone! While he still does typical 2 year old stuff (like putting his brothers fozzy bear stuffed animal in the fridge), he knows that we hear him, he knows that we care about what he's thinking, and feeling, so he's chilled out. 

I've wrestled with some inner demons I've carried around for a while, and I finally won the fight, which has been such a burden off my shoulders. It's opened my eyes to how relationships should be, which ones are worth keeping, which ones need to be let go, and which ones you need to maybe put on the shelf for a while, you aren't closing the door, you're just taking a break. It's hard to take a good hard look at the people you've chosen to surround yourself with, and acknowledge that you've made some bad choices. It's hard to end friendships that are destructive, even when you know it's the best thing for everyone involved, it's still hard to say goodbye.

 I've learned that quality beats quantity....every. single. time.

I've learned that it's ok to apologize when you're wrong, it doesn't make you weak, it shows that you have character.

I've struggled with the fallout of adoption. No one said this road is easy, and no one said it would come without difficulties. I am 100% confident that I'm doing what I am SUPPOSED to be doing, I have never for one second doubted or second guessed our decision to bring Natasha home and make her our daughter. I have, however, struggled with the selfish side of things. How it affects *me*, what about *me* and what *I* imagined for *my* life...I wanted to go to law school, I had a pretty easy "simple" life. I had a plan. Well now I'm not going to law school, my life is far from simple, and my plan is gone. Those are things I had to deal with internally, I had to process through them, become ok with them, and be at peace knowing that sacrificing those things in order to become Natasha's mother is, and always will be, the greatest trade off of my life. The blessings this little girl will bring to our family can not be measured. My plan is different now, and I'm ok with that. I'm EXCITED about that...my eyes, and heart, have been opened to an entirely different world. For the first time in a long time, I feel an inner peace, I know that the path I'm on is the right one for me and my family. Yes there are people who are against us, yes we have made financial sacrifices, personal sacrifices, relationship sacrifices...but our marriage is stronger, our relationship with our kids is stronger, and our relationship with God is stronger. If that doesn't bring you inner peace, nothing will.

I have finally, finally....found balance. Wow, what a freeing feeling that is, it's the most amazing feeling ever. I have someway, somehow, learned how to balance kids, marriage, school, household chores, adoption, friends...everything! The biggest part of finding balance? Giving up the idea of perfection. My kids might hate each other one day, but love each other the next, it's ok. My dog might chew up my favorite headband, it's ok. I might burn dinner, it's ok. A friend might stop by while my house is a wreck, it's ok. No one is perfect, life isn't perfect, it's ok to leave your living room in a chaotic mess so you can snuggle in bed with your 2 year old and watch "Elmo's Song" 25 times with him. The mess will still be there when the baby is napping, it can be dealt with then...there is nothing more important that showing your kids they come first.

Balance. It's an amazing thing.

I am forever changed because of this adoption journey. Natasha has changed our lives for the better, and we haven't even held her yet. I can only imagine how incredible things will be once she's home. We have met so many amazing people, we've made so many friends...it's the hardest thing we've ever done...and it's the most rewarding thing we've ever done.

The greatest lesson I've learned: I'm blessed. I was blessed before this adoption process, and I'm blessed BECAUSE of this adoption process. I will never again take my children for granted, ever. I will never again take my loving, compassionate husband for granted.  I would have never guessed that so many people, many of them strangers, would come together to help bring one little girl home. There are 147 million orphans in the world, we can't save them all, but we can save one, and the outpouring of love and support for this ONE that God has given us, it's been nothing short of a miracle. God has blessed me beyond anything I could have ever deserved, and I am grateful, and I will be sure to always show my gratitude for what I've been given.