A tough lesson in life that one has to learn is that not everybody wishes you well. - Dan Rather

Life lessons. I've learned quite a few over the past few months I've been on this adoption journey.

I've learned how amazingly beautiful the hearts of some people are, and I've learned the lengths to which someone will go to hurt another human being.

I've learned, first hand, that good friends and hard to come by...and when you find them, you hold on for dear life, and I've learned that some people need to be let go, and that some people should be allowed to hang around, but they just need to be ignored.

I've learned that I'm not the tough-as-nails girl I project myself as. No. That's not true, and I want to be 100% honest in this post. I've *accepted* that I'm not the tough-as-nails girl I project myself as. I didn't, learn that, I knew it all along. I'm learning to accept that I'm really, really fragile...I don't like it...but I'm accepting it.

I've learned that bullies exist, even in adulthood...and that when they "pounce", it hurts just as bad as it did in 6th grade.

I've learned that I NEED A BACK BONE...I really do....seriously.

I've learned that people change, and I have, and I continue to do so. I'm scared of the person I'm becoming, not because it's bad, but because it's different, and I worry that as I shed the skin of the former "me" that I'm going to inadvertently shed the people from my past as well, people I care about, but people the person I'm becoming can't in good conscience keep in my life.

I've learned that social networking is a blessing, and a curse...

I'll stop there for a minute.

Let's talk about FACEBOOK, shall we?

I've learned that I'm a bad, bad facebooker. I guess I missed the user manual that facebook mailed out or something because it seems like some people have a little bit of an "issue" with my facebook etiquette. I guess I need to explain it, so people can stop feeling....offended? Annoyed? Unimportant? (Feel free to enter whatever word may apply to you.)

Here is it...are you ready?

 I delete people from facebook

(GASP!)

Yes it's true, about once or twice a year, I go through my facebook friends list, and weed out the people I don't interact with. It makes no difference to me if we went to kindergarten together, or if we were "besties" in grade school, if you're related to me somehow, or if I met you at a concert one time and thought you were cool. In my facebook world...everyone is equal. I kind of have this personal policy, if I haven't messaged, commented, or "liked" anything on your page in 3 months...or if you haven't done the same on mine...or if your status updates are so depressing they make me want a lithium IV...you're off the friends list.

Does that mean I wouldn't say hi to you on the street? NO.

Does that mean I hate you? NO.

Does it mean ANYTHING other than "we don't communicate on facebook"? NO!!!!

Maybe some people feel good having 1500 friends, and 46 likes everytime they post about something...I'm not that person. I like a tight little community of people I enjoy communicating with, that I feel motivated by, who I find interesting, and who I want to either built strong friendships/relationships with...or who I want to keep strong relationships/friendships with. That's all, and honestly...if we're going to real honest...if I wanted to add Charles Manson to my friends list and make him my new BFF, now that would be my choice and no one elses, now wouldn't it? If I wanted to continue to be facebook friends with someone who went out of their way to completely screw me over...that too would be my business and no one else's, right?

I'm really, really tired of people putting social networking up on a pedestal...like it *defines* who they are. It's really sad, and I think it should be listed as a psychological condition. "Facebook syndrome". Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?

So, if I deleted you off of facebook, and you're a little...how can I say this..."pissy" about it...think about how much interaction we had, I bet it was little to none. Now, think about your motivation for wanting to be on there in the first place...you kinda just like being "all up in" people's business don't ya? Yeah...I kinda figured. :)

So to wrap the facebook "discussion" up....if you want to be friends, like REAL friends, like "it wouldn't be weird if I called you and asked you if you wanted to meet for coffee" friends...please, add me back if I deleted you, and I'll be the FIRST to apologize for my mistake. But, if you just want to be nosey, and judgemental, and have fuel for gossip or whatever...stay away...I don't need that garbage. Also, if you have an issue with who I choose to add/delete/keep/deny/accept/whatever with regard to facebook....get over yourself, seriously...stop being a facebook nazi. If someone is on my list that you don't think should be, it's not your business, and I have my reasons, and they don't concern you...so let's leave it at that.

OK...that's off my chest, and I'm moving on.

Back to life lessons. I've learned to that The X Files had it right afterall:

Trust No One

Well...maybe Mulder was a little over dramatic. I'll go with "trust very few". As the title of this blog states...not everyone in your life wishes you well. There are people who attach themselves to you just to bring you down, because in some sick way that builds them up. There are people who look for opportunities to hurt you, because it makes them feel good. There are people who want to bully you, or boss you around, and the list goes on. Be careful of who you let into your circle, and when someone shows their "true colors", don't be ashamed of following your heart and doing what you feel is right. If you cut people out the first time they hurt you, that's your right, your choice, and don't let anyone tell you it's wrong. If you are a big believer in second chances, don't let anyone judge you for that. If you intermingle the two because you "read" each situation individually before deciding the level of involvement you'll let someone have in your life...that's your call! As long as you aren't causing hurt, or harm to your heart...handle your life the way YOU see fit...because you're the one living it, not someone else...and odds are the person wasting their time judging you, should really be standing in front of a mirror doing quite a bit of reflecting on their own life, their own decisions.

Be careful of what you say, and who you say it to. I'm always guilty of this one...the "old me" was overly trusting of people who appeared warm and caring...wolves in sheeps clothing so to speak. Don't make the same mistakes I have. Putting up a wall around your heart isn't necessarily a bad thing...if you eventually let it be torn down by the right people.

I've had a horrible week, maybe one of the worst of my life. No, definitely the worst of my life. For the first time ever, I felt complete hopelessness, and that my friends is the worst feeling in the world...I think I would have preferred being stabbed in the eye with a spork. But, as problem after problem presented itself, and as issue piled up on top of issue, and as person after person broke my heart, tore me down, hurt my feelings, judged me, and so on...I did something that I didn't think I was capable of...I pressed on. I said the things I always say when I've felt a bit "defeated" in the past...

I'm done.

I can't do this.

I give up.

But you know what...I was just saying them, this time...I wasn't FEELING them....

As I told myself I was "done" I was in the process of making more hairbows for our flea market fundraiser.

As I cried my eyes out saying "I can't do this"...I was putting sweet little Tasha's picture on sippy cups we're distributing for a coin drive.

As I, in complete frustration after being hurt by someone I care so much for, said "I give up"...the wheels in my head were turning...trying to come up with a "Plan C" for a fundraiser for my sweet girl.

The final life lesson of the day: I will let no one, and nothing get in the way of my daughter coming home. Period.

Hurt me, betray me, deceive me, judge me, lie to me, steal from me, bully me, do anything you want to me...but you won't break me, and you'll never stop me. I will bring my daughter home.

The truth of it is, I can't do it alone, I need help, and it's a very, very scary feeling to rely on the kindness of others to help save your child's life...and the punch in gut when you realize that some of the help offered is conditional, or just not coming from the desire in someone's heart to help a sweet little orphan...it hurts...bad. But, you have to pull yourself up by your boot straps and keep pressing on. There is no room for anyone to make anything in this process about them. We are so grateful for the selfless love, support, and help we've received from people, but our motto has been from the beginning, the minute someone makes our adoption process about THEM and NOT about Tasha...they're out of the picture. I'm sorry if that seems harsh, but if you volunteer to help bring her home, you need to have the understanding that you're doing something for HER, not for me, not for David, not to make yourself look good, not to feel good about yourself, not to have a power trip, not to have a gateway to look down your nose on people, but to HELP NATASHA...that's it, that is ALL this process is about. On that topic there is no room for discussion. It pains me to even need to point that out, but given certain situations that have transpired that include a handful of people I consider as friends...I just really needed to clear the air, put that out there, and if it's taken as insulting, it isn't meant to be...it's just a harsh reality...so please only see it as such.

I'm working hard to secure funding for my daughter to come home. Right now we're doing a coin drive, we made the cutest sippy cups with her picture, and we're mailing them or handing them out to people who want them, it's going to be really fun. We are re-inventing our "big" fundraiser...we aren't exactly sure WHAT we're going to do...so we'll keep you posted. :) In the mean time, if you would like to have a sippy cup...let me know I'll get one out to you!

I have said everything that was in my heart. I'm sure there will be backlash, but, sometimes things need to be said. If nothing else, I feel like I have a clean canvas on which to paint my daughters adoption story, and that's really all that matters to me.