Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11:1)

Has anyone seen the movie "Juno"? Do you remember the scene where she tells her father she's been out "dealing with things way beyond her maturity level"?

Yeah. That about sums up my day.

I am so invested in making this adoption happen, it's become my central focus and this little girl....this precious, gorgeous, amazing little girl...she's rocked my world.

I was at the store last night, I needed to get ONE thing...and of course I found myself walking straight toward the toddler girls department...I couldn't have stopped myself if I tried. Four outfits and a gaggle of hairbows later, I leave...forgetting the one thing I was there for to begin with. I'm totally enamoured by the idea of having a daughter, not just ANY daughter...THIS DAUGHTER.

So today, my face lights up like a christmas tree when I see an email from the adoption agency with just my sweet girls name in the title. I open it, and I begin to read...and my 1000 watt smile starts to fade, and by the end of the email I'm sobbing. I won't go into detail, but I'll copy and paste the part that sums it all up:

The girl has a combined heart defect, muscular hypotension. The doctors give an unfavorable prognosis for her development. They are planning a cardiac operation. She is very passive, not responsive.  Xenia is not recommended for adoption by her doctor.

Ok, first of all, my initial reaction was heart break. Not just sadness, but gut wrenching heart break. I've never hurt like that before, I've never felt THAT helpless before. I want to get on a plane today and go hug her and hold her, and rock her, and sing to her and tell her it's going to be ok, and that she's loved beyond her wildest dreams...I want to fix her heart, and make her strong and happy and active...

But all I can do is sit here, and write this blog, and pray. I can do nothing for her right now, I can fill out paperwork, I can go fax paperwork...but I can't hold her and comfort her.

My second reaction was that I want to punch that doctor in the face. How dare he say she isn't recommended for adoption! I get that they live in a culture where anyone who isn't "perfect" gets tossed aside as if they don't matter...but this isn't "some kid" he's talking about...this is MY KID...and I think we all know what happens when "momma bear" mode kicks in....how can someone look at that sweet face and DARE to say they aren't recommended for adoption.

For a family.

For a home.

For warm blankets and sweet kisses, warm baths and full bellies...

For a chance at a life.

I can't even begin to understand what is wrong with people who can't see the beauty in these precious children, who can't understand that they are fearfully and wonderfully made, that they are PERFECT. They are EXACTLY what God wanted them to be, downs syndrome and all, heart conditions and all...they are made in His imagine just like the rest of us.

The bottom line is this, I love Natasha. I love her like I carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her myself, I love her the way ALL mothers should love their little ones. I love her beautiful blonde hair, I love her precious pout, I lover her engulfing gray eyes, I love her heart condition and I love her downs syndrome. Does that sound crazy? Probably, but that's ok, because just like her eyes and nose and mouth, those things are part of her and who she is, so they're loved too.

I don't care what anyone says, I don't care if I'm judged or if people disagree with my decision to take this baby girl and love her for her entire life, I don't care! The only thing in this world I care about is following the path that my God and Savior laid out for me, and if along the way I meet fabulous people who want to go on this journey with me then Praise God, it will be an AMAZING trek we go on together! But, for those who want to doubt God's plan, and try to discourage us from loving our sweet girl, then unfortunately those people will need to be left behind on this journey. This is about finding God's plan for us, and our sweet girl, that's all this is about...and we're so excited to be on this path!

Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."